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Date Night

For many busy couples, especially those with children, date night often becomes a freak act of nature, one that occurs only when work and childcare schedules somehow align. Yet when fun, play, and connection fall to the bottom of a couple's priority list, it's a secure recipe for discontent and growing apart. I say this as a life coach who has worked with clients and couples in strengthening and coaching their relationships.


To begin with, it matters how you define, "a date." For our purposes, a date is a time when both of you set aside work and home life and spend a set period of time really talking and listening to each other. A worthwhile date is more than sitting on the couch watching TV together: It's a special time that you use to connect, to remember that you are more than just housemates or co-parents-- you are first and foremost friends and lovers.


There's no question that committing to another person can be a terrifying prospect. It means putting all your eggs in one basket. There is no waiting in the wings if this relationship doesn't work out. There isn't a safety net. If we're truly committed, we give our person everything we have to offer. That's a risky decision, but it's essential. Without this level of commitment, love will not last.


Trust is another vital part of commitment, and it is also a challenge. None of us is without our idiosyncrasies and insecurities. But the more honest we are, the more we can discover that our partner really loves us as we are, not as the idealized version of us that showed up when we first began to date.


Vulnerability creates trust, and trust is the oxygen a relationship needs to breathe. Trust also builds over time, in lots of conversations, like the ones you can have on this date when you ask the question at right.


So, if you are currently in a relationship where the romance is dissipating, define what trust and commitment mean to you. Think about what they looked like in your family of origin. Name the little ways you and your partner show commitment to each other.


Also, find an elevated location with a great view. This could be a bridge, a hill, a rooftop. Ideally, there will be a bench or another comfortable spot where you can sit while talking through open-ended questions. If you can, make it a place that's meaningful to you-- at the top of the steps of a library where you met, or in a state park where you first hiked together. Wherever you are, be sure it's quiet enough to have an honest conversation.


If you choose to have this date at home, you might take turns being blindfolded while your partner leads you around the house. It's a great opportunity to practice clear communication as well as trust.


Here are some open-ended questions to ask your partner:


Q: How did your parents show commitment-- or lack of commitment to each other? How do you think their example influences our relationship?


Q: What does trust mean to you?


Q: Think about a time when you didn't feel you could trust me. What could I have done to fix the situation?


Q: What do you need from me to show that I'm committed to this relationship?


Q: What areas do you think we need to work on to build trust?


Q: When it comes to trust and commitment, how are we similar and how are we different? How can we accept these differences?


For more information or guidance, book your session with me today! I would love to help you strengthen the relationship with yourself and your significant other.

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